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The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask"
We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to:
· Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
· Start a conversation without defensiveness
· Listen for the meaning of what is not said
· Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations
· Move from emotion to productive problem solving
- Sales Rank: #1562 in Books
- Published on: 2010-11-02
- Released on: 2010-11-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.70" h x .60" w x 5.10" l, .53 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 352 pages
Review
“Does this book deliver on its promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether ‘with your babysitter or your biggest client’? It does.”
—The New York Times
“These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice.”
—Booklist
“I’m on my third reading. Half the pages are dog-eared. This is a mind-bogglingly powerful book. For life.”
—Tom Peters
“A user-friendly guide to mastering the talks we dread . . . a keeper.”
—Fast Company
“Emotional intelligence applied to life’s toughest moments.”
—Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence
“The only people who shouldn’t read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people, anywhere.”
—Peter M. Senge, bestselling author of The Fifth Discipline
“How do you confront your ex-spouse who’s late picking up the kids? How do you tell a client their project took longer than expected and the bill is twice as high? How do you say ‘I’m sorry’? Start by picking up Difficult Conversations.”
—Citizen
“Difficult Conversations will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives.”
—Library Journal
“Stone, Patton, and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format.”
—Publishers Weekly
“The central insights of Difficult Conversations so resonate with common sense that it is easy to overlook just how remarkable of a book it is . . . a must-read.”
—Harvard Negotiation Law Review
“Examples more clear-headed and advice more precise than we’ve seen before.”
—Dallas Morning News
“Stone, Patton, and Heen have written an extremely clear and unpretentious exposition of how to develop effective communication skills and a guide to achieving openness and constructive outcomes in dialogue . . . this book is, and probably for some time to come will be definitive.”
—Southern Communication Journal
About the Author
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have been consultants to businesspeople, governments, organizations, communities, and individuals around the world, and have written on negotiation and communication in publications ranging from the New York Times to Parents magazine. Bruce Patton is also a co-author of Getting to Yes. Each of them lives in Boston, Massachusetts.
Stone and Heen are the authors of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and Frankly, You're Not in the Mood) (Viking/Penguin, 2014)
Roger Fisher is the Samuel Williston Professor of Law Emeritus, Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project, and the founder of two consulting organizations devoted to strategic advice and negotiation training.
Most helpful customer reviews
285 of 294 people found the following review helpful.
Foundational for discussing what matters most
By Billykev
There were 3 aspects of this book that made a differecne for me: Thinking Differently, Making Shifts, and understanding the Structure found in all difficult conversations. If you understand these aspects it will significantly improve how well you handle difficult conversations.
This is about Thinking Differently-- 1. This is an approach. 2. It's not about doing differently; it's about thinking differently. 3. It's about shifting from a message delivery stance to a learning stance. 4. All difficult conversations have the same structure. The structure is almost always "below the surface." It is hidden in what people are thinking and feeling, but not saying.
Shifts (with this approach)-- We must shift our internal orientation: FROM: Certainty (I understand) TO: Curiosity (Help me understand); FROM: I am right TO: I am curious; FROM: I know what was intended TO:I know the impact; FROM: I know who is to blame TO: I know who contributed what; FROM: Debate TO: Exploration; FROM: Simplicity TO: Complexity; FROM: "Either/or" TO: "And".
Understanding the Structure-- 1. All difficult conversations share a common structure. To make the structure visible, we not only need to understand what was said, but also what was not said. We need to understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling, but not saying to each other. This is usually where the real action is. 2. What makes a conversation difficult? The gap between what you are really thinking and what you are saying is part of it. 3. Our thoughts and feelings of all difficult conversations fall into the same three categories, or "conversations". 4. And, in each of the conversations, we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings and get us in trouble. 5. There predictable errors can be overcome this specific strategies that the authors suggest.
I have developed workshops based on this material that we are finding very helpful in our hospital setting.
Spend some time with this book - it will be worth your while.
135 of 142 people found the following review helpful.
Very Informative and helpful
By M. A. ZAIDI
Everyone of us has gone through difficult conversations, arguments that were leading no where or felt that we were unjustifiably being taken advantage of. The solution - read this book. The authors have done a remarkable work in presenting conversations (real examples) that we can relate to. They educate the reader with the pitfalls and means o avoid them.
In difficult conversations the participants generally fall trap to the three common crippling assumptions which are:
1. The Truth assumption : I am right you are wrong
2. The Intention Invention : When the other persons intentions are unclear a common perception is
that they are bad
3. The Blame Frame : Blame the other produces disagreement, denial and little learning
The authors map a path by showing how to avoid the pitfalls when facing a difficult conversation and come out as a winner. In our life we prepare for almost every thing, like schooling and college for career etc. it is somewhat surprising that conversations that truly are a means to progress we spend little time on; this is one of the books in this area. I highly recommend that you read it.
71 of 73 people found the following review helpful.
No matter who we are, we all have difficult conversations too often, that don't go as well as we would like.
By Blaine Greenfield
A book on CD called to me when I saw its captivating title: DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS: HOW TO DISUCSS WHAT MATTERS MOST--written and read by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.
The fact that Patton was one of the authors also caught my attention, in that he was the coauthor of one of my favorite books on negotiations, GETTING TO YES!
This effort covers such topics as dealing with your ex-husband who can't seem to show up reliably for weekends with the kinds navigating a workplace fraught with office politics or racial tensions, and saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you." No matter who we are, we've all had to have similar conversations and too often, they don't go as well as we would like.
DIFFICULT CONVERSATONS at least makes them easier by providing such useful advice as the following:
* Use "and" to help you become clearer; e.g.,, "I understand what you're saying, and I feel this way."
* Put things on the table without judgments.
* Saying "I feel" will cause the other person to be less likely to argue with you.
* Postponing a conversation can sometimes be helpful.
* Sometimes, actions are better than conversations; e.g., going to a mother's home rather than always being asked, "When are you going to come home?"
* People are more likely to change when they don't have to.
* If you don't have a question, don't ask one; e.g., "Are you going to clean the refrigerator?" vs. "Please clean the refrigerator."
And this one final tidbit, which I have personally found very useful: Be careful when making judgments. It is easy to say, "Spanking is wrong," but a better way to say this might well be, "I believe spanking is wrong."
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